Why are ‘you’ being such a farrago?

I don’t know what I want to say. But there are so many things I want to make you understand. I want you to know what I feel. But I don’t know how to put it on words that you get, Because whatever I tell you, your perspective of the world would just stay the same.

I don’t know what you feel… And I am too scared to express how I feel because you are already at this peak of exasperation and confusion, that anything I say on these lines would just confuse you even more?

You are struggling to understand the world, but it’s not going to happen in a day. And I’m just trying to help you, because I love and care for you more than you can ever imagine. You are not in a position right now to understand that… And I want you to take as long as it needs… As long as you eventually are at that place where you are comfortable on your own skin.

I’m being accommodative and I’m suppressing the need to tell you how I feel, and forcing myself to not say the things I want to…. I’m empathizing, and being an adult… I’m trying so hard, and I’m crying on the inside because I am helpless… Because I’m running out of Time, and I know I might never get the opportunity to tell you what I want to. And I know it’ll be too late to, when you are mentally in a position to understand.

I’m good at heart… And I’m doing everything that I do, because I care too Much about you. And yet I know you are not in a position to understand. But I just hope that some day you realize.
I’ve never done this for anyone… Sat all Alone in a corner and crunching possibilities till my head aches to the extent of me not understanding what to do. Ha! I’m generally the person with the solutions… And its been my strive to attempt to help all those around me, and make them happy in life again… But sometimes I wonder why I put in all the effort? And what its really worth? All I do is end up getting hurt in the end… Hurt to an extent that closure takes so much time… But I get it anyways, because I want to prove the world wrong… And find one thing that doesn’t end up in a way most of the things are ending up lately.

So I keep trying… Over and over… With all the wounds and all the scars, that show the world that I don’t give up…. And show the people that I am not weak.

What I don’t understand is why is it only some people that get this attached to people? Why do I feel like I have made a connection, a bond that we can never break. And yet. It ends up ending. Everytime. And me struggling to make peace with it all.
I’m in pain… But I won’t show it. And no one will know. Cuz that’s just how I am. I haven’t found one person I can open up to… To tell them what I’m going through… Too seek for advice. I want to find another Me in someone else. Someone who is mature enough. And someone who understands. Someone willing to commit time, effort and energy into people … Like I do… And invest that in me…. And If that person is the one I end up with in life, then life would be unfair. Cuz then all the people I helped along the way did not find my time and effort worth to keep me for life? I don’t understand how the scenarios are different… It seems wrong.

I invest myself into you. But you fail to understated that. Then why am I the person who does understand? Am I compromising on something? Or am I just missing the picture?

Because 5 years down the line… When you are living your fairy tale… Probably completely erased this day from your memory… I’d still remember… And I’d still have a soft corner towards you… Though you would have left me…forgotten all the time, the effort, the sleepless nights, the energy that I had actually put into you…. But Me? … I’d still think of you in the same way as I do now… Though I’d been hurt, beyond a point I could bear, because of what transpired between us… Because of all the late night conversations… The truths you told me, and the lies that I believed. And yet, I would have made peace. And moved on. And so would have you… By taking off, breaking, shattering, stepping on, and burning to annihilation a part of me and a part of my hope (hope… that there is good in the world, and that people are NOT all the same…) along with your memory of me.

And I wrote this tonight with the hope and wonder that something in you might just change… And that tomorrow will be another day!

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You make your own fate and hence I decide my own, or so I think… So, I decide my future, and hence I,  Destini will decide! 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Why are ‘you’ being such a farrago?”

  1. Wow, I could feel every word of it, everything resonated within me as if a part of my dil was saying it, a hazy memory from a long long time ago, though to someone else……

    Like

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